I am a child

I have jokingly said this many thousands of times since being officially recognized as an adult. The joke is that it is absolutely true. I was planning a ride recently, and I cannot describe the pure joy I felt while contemplating "what will happen during the ride?" On second thought, I can describe it. It's exactly what I felt when, as a child, I thought about Christmas before I knew Santa was a big, fat fake.

I don't know if I've mentioned it before but this racing season the USCF classifies me as a 40-year-old. Almost twenty years ago now, I was a pretty good runner and cyclist, and I occasionally won. I had no notion of training except that I should ride as much as I possibly could. Fast forward to now and I have become more self-aware, more tuned to what my body is telling me. I can follow a training plan. I can hurt myself with intervals knowing with absolute certainty that I will be better for it. That seems a very adult perspective. At least it's a recognition of long-term goals superceding short-term desires. And yet, childlike wonder pervades all of it.

This past Sunday I participated in my 3rd race of the season, and the first after three weeks off. I wasn't sure what to expect as my first two results were less than stellar, my weight is still too high (242), and I've only got three weeks of intervals in my legs. I go into every race with butterflies. It's like I'm wondering if this is the week that everyone figures out what a fraud I am. So my first fear is not to get dropped on the first lap (RR of 6, 8-mile laps). The pace went through the roof and I did not get dropped. Physically, I wasn't capable of laughter at that point, but inside I was laughing; a big, belly laugh that might follow a sentence like "and I thought I'd seen it all..." And it got better...two laps later I attacked and got a gap of 30 seconds or so. Now, that isn't much, but as soon as my wheel was the first wheel I could have exploded from pure, unadulterated delight. Part of me knew I wasn't going to stay away, but the child laughed, and this time it was out loud. Picture PeeWee Hermann in his Big Adventure dreaming about winning the Tour deFrance and you'll have some idea of what was going on in my head.

If I keep at this I'll get better, and I may someday have a chance to win a race or two. Though if it means I have to trade in all of that wide-eyed wonder, well then I'll pass. There is no doubt about it. I am a child.