Weirdsville, Population: me

This is the first time I am dedicated to training through the off-season. Over the past twenty-two off-seasons, I've mothballed the bike. Sometimes I would maintain my fitness with running, more often I did nothing. Trying to maintain fitness with the bike will be a first for me.

Although the focus of this yearround approach is not really fitness, it's weight loss. Or at least weight maintenance. A quick review of the recent past for context: in May 2007 I weighed in at a career-best 283 pounds. By September of that year I was down to 242. In April of 2008 I weighed a shameful 276 pounds. The weekend of October 5th, last race of the season, my weight had dropped to 231 pounds, a nine-year low. Obviously, I want to avoid the yoyoing. I had set a goal of 200 pounds for March 1 of next year though I think it may be more optimistic to hold around 230, and attempt to lose the additional weight in the spring. The sad fact is that I have trouble saying no to food, especially in the winter. I know people will say that it's normal to gain weight through winter, but it's awfully hard to resign myself to that when I know the weight I need to lose if I want to be competitive in the spring road races. I know I need a goal but how do I challenge myself without giving myself an impossible task? This leads to a fundamental question: why can't I do the things I believe I want to do?

Over the years I tried to do a little introspection. I've found that I have two voices in my head, and in the past they've set expectations I can't meet. The primary voice is that of my father. No excuses are accepted; you either succeed or you fail. The other voice is one I don't really know. I guess it is probably my own voice; small, unsure, easily overridden. The upside is that this voice gains strength over time. Every time I experience something between success and failure that is acceptable, my voice gets a little stronger. It seems those voices mimic the relationship I have with my father. On some level, I'm still seeking his approval.

What I have realized thus far is that my voice needs to be stronger, but how strong? Should it balance my father's voice or do they need to integrate? One may say that I am overthinking this but I promise you if you spent a little time in my head you would agree it is a question that needs answering. The important thing is to keep experimenting.